In amongst all of the fun learning, playing and growing we have been doing in our homeschool lately we have been given an opportunity to turn our focus to developing our emotional intelligence.
There are so many benefits to building emotional intelligence and I am absolutely certain that we can't do them justice in this short Learn About blog post!
But what we CAN do is:
Take you with us on our journey to develop emotional intelligence
Give you some fabulous book recommendations for dealing with death, loss & grief
Explore what emotional intelligence is
And explain why we need emotional intelligence and how it benefits us in life & learning
Our Homeschool: An Opportunity for Developing Emotional Intelligence
In amongst all of the fun learning, playing, and growing we've been doing in our homeschool lately – our family had to say goodbye to a very special person in our lives. Death and loss are difficult for adults to process, but even more so for children (especially if it is their first experience with loss). Our Little Miss was so full of questions that often had complex and difficult answers, so we needed to find a way to answer her questions thoroughly while also being sensitive to her age and stage of development.
What to do...
After a good think (and some online research) we discovered an array of wonderful storybooks that have been created by sensitive authors around the world that cover death and loss in a variety of different ways (there's something to suit all belief systems). These stories have not only been a much needed source of developmentally appropriate explanations of death and loss; they have also been a balm to our bruised hearts!
Books About Loss We Love!
Beautiful & Poetic
Why We Love This Story!
This was the first picture book we purchased on death and loss, it is a gentle tale about the animals in the forest and how they deal with the loss of their friend fox.
It is a beautifully illustrated and somewhat poetic take on death, where a beautiful tree grows because of the memories that all of fox's friends share about him - what a lovely reminder of their friend!
It did, however, raise a number of new questions that weren't answered in the book and might be a little difficult for young children to understand (will a tree really grow where someone dies? Is it magic?).
We do recommend this book though because of it's beautiful illustrations, sense of wonder, and the fact that our Little Miss has asked to read it again and again.
What the Publisher Says!
"A beautiful and heartfelt story about the death of a loved one and the memories that comfort those left behind.
Fox has lived a long and happy life in the forest. One day, he lies down in his favourite clearing, takes a deep breath, and falls asleep for ever.
Before long, Fox's friends begin to gather in the clearing. One by one, they tell stories of the special moments that they shared with Fox. And, as they share their memories, a tree begins to grow, becoming bigger and stronger, sheltering and protecting all the animals in the forest, just as Fox did when he was alive.
This gentle and comforting tale celebrates life and the memories that are left behind when a loved one dies." (Publisher's Synopsis)
Answering with Facts
Why We Love This Story!
We don't own a copy of this book but have watched several read alouds of it online.
It very clearly and simply answers a lot of questions that arise when someone dies.
For some, it may be a little too abrupt and might require some modification depending on the sensitivity of your children.
Overall, it was a fantastic resource that helped us to find words to easily answer our Little Miss's questions in a clear, matter-of-fact way, while also being sensitive to her age and stage.
What the Publisher Says!
"When a close friend or family member dies, it can be sad for kids and difficult for them to express the big feelings they are experiencing.
This book will help explain in a gentle way that death is a natural complement to life and that grief and a sense of loss are normal feelings to have following the death of a loved one.
Parents, teachers, and gift givers will find:
language that is simple, direct, and easy for young children to understand
a helpful tool for coping with loss and grief
a book about bereavement written by a psychotherapist and counselor
a whole series of books for children to explore mental health and emotional issues
The A First Look At series promotes positive interaction among children, parents, and teachers, and encourages kids to ask questions and confront difficult social and emotional questions. Books feature appealing full-color illustrations on every page plus a page of advice to parents and teachers." (Publisher's Synopsis)
How to Remember Them
Why We Love This Story! This is a beautiful tale of honouring the memory of someone you love when they have passed. I know that this ta
ngible action, making a memory box, would be a comfort to a lot of children and help them to process their loss while creating a beautiful bank of memories to share and savour any time they are missing their loved one. We love that this approach to remembrance is accessible to everyone, no matter how young or old - it has been a balm to our hearts before and no doubt will be again! What the Publisher Says! "From the perspective of a young child, Joanna Rowland artfully describes what it is like to remember and grieve a loved one who has died. The child in the story creates a memory box to keep mementos and written memories of the loved one, to help in the grieving process. Heartfelt and comforting, The Memory Box will help children and adults talk about this very difficult topic together. The unique point of view allows the reader to imagine the loss of any they have loved - a friend, family member, or even a pet. A parent guide in the back includes expert information from a Christian perspective on helping children manage the complex and difficult emotions they feel when they lose someone they love, as well as suggestions on how to create their own memory box." (Publisher's Synopsis)
Short, Sweet & Comforting
Why We Love This Story! This is a simple and relatable story that has an undercurrent of comfort and gives a useful tool for remembering those we love when they're gone. Again, the story is told through animal characters which softens the story and engages children deeply but it is less cryptic than the story told by the Memory Tree. We love this book because of it's simplicity and that it can be used to process the loss of not just family or friends, but for pets too. What the Publisher Says! "A beautiful, honest portrait of loss and deep friendship told through the story of two iconic polar bears. Gus lives in a big park in the middle of an even bigger city, and he spends his days with Ida. Ida is right there. Always. Then one sad day, Gus learns that Ida is very sick, and she isn’t going to get better. The friends help each other face the difficult news with whispers, sniffles, cuddles, and even laughs. Slowly Gus realizes that even after Ida is gone, she will still be with him—through the sounds of their city, and the memories that live in their favorite spots. Ida, Always is an exquisitely told story of two best friends—inspired by a real bear friendship—and a gentle, moving, needed reminder that loved ones lost will stay in our hearts, always." (Publisher's Synopsis)
Why should we teach them about this?
It is inevitable that we will all have to deal with the harsh reality of loss at some point in our lives and so it makes sense to have appropriate resources in our arsenal as homeschoolers (and parents) to help ease the burden of difficult times. This sort of emotional learning is just as important in our homeschools as academic learning; and to be perfectly honest – social-emotional learning trumps academics every time in our homeschool. Why? Because without having a stable social-emotional foundation, very little academic learning will actually be able to take place! When learners feel safe, supported and heard – they have the confidence to push forward academically – this is why holistic approaches to education often work so well – they are nurturing not just the academic mind, but the whole learner (emotions included)!
So, what is Emotional Intelligence?
Emotional intelligence is a bit of a buzz word in education circles and is part of the quest to create well-rounded, accomplished individuals.
Being able to identify, use, understand and manage emotions in a healthy and effective way supports students to empathise with others (& themselves!), deal with difficulties, and handle pressures.
Studies (see sources) have found that students with higher emotional intelligence generally show better academic performance.
There are other benefits to developing emotional intelligence as well; including becoming adaptive problem-solvers, persevering at difficult tasks, supporting motivation and self-regulation, and further developing interpersonal skills, increasing social networks and improving teamwork - which are all building blocks for overall wellbeing!
What more could we want for our children?
Looking Closer at the Benefits to Developing Emotional Intelligence!
Increased Self Awareness
Self-awareness is the ability to recognise one's own feelings, whether they are positive or negative - and also understand how they might impact on us and our tasks. Being more self-aware means that a person is able to utilise their emotions effectively to support their learning and wellbeing. Being able to tune out negativity and focus on positivity, and use emotions to fuel their drive to complete tasks or work through challenges is so important.
Empathy
Developing lasting and positive relationships requires empathy - but empathy also allows people to anticipate their own feelings, as well as the feelings of others. Taking some time to develop this trait by tuning into your own emotional side has numerous benefits. The ability to empathise enhances our understanding of ourselves, others and our world - essential to continuing to learn & grow! We become less prone to hurtful actions, better equipped to act from a place of empathy and ensures a more supportive attitude toward peers - the foundation for teamwork!
Self-Regulation
People with good self-regulation skills are able to assess whether their behaviour is appropriate and are able to redirect themselves as needed. There are four basic self-regulation strategies that everyone can benefit from using:
Goal-setting
Self-monitoring (regulating emotions and behaviours)
Effective use of self-talk (the way you talk to yourself, your inner voice)
Self-reinforcement (reward or consequence for achievement or behaviour)
You can probably see how these things would impact overall wellbeing and academic achievement.
Increased Problem-Solving Skills
Not only does emotional intelligence help people interact with others, it also helps them tackle academic issues with greater panache. People are able to better analyse situations, making them more in control (strongly linked to lowering stress and improving overall wellbeing and achievement). By developing their emotional intelligence, people become better at:
Gathering information first and weighing up the pros and cons.
Using a systematic approach.
Applying emotional information to help.
Drawing on past experiences.
This better supports them to be active and effective problem solvers!
Better Stress Management
Someone who is able to manage his/her emotions well is a person that won't allow stress to rule their life - be that academic or otherwise. Emotional intelligence creates a strong buffer for people to allow them to better handle the factors that create stress in any situation. Increased emotional efficiency helps individuals to adopt useful strategies when coping with stress, adapt their approach, and seek social support more readily. This benefits young learners and also adults in their professional lives too!
Ability to Talk About Feelings
One of the best things about developing emotional intelligence is the confidence that it brings to talking about feelings. People who are emotionally intelligent don't shy away from talking about what they are feeling; and it also helps them to more patiently listen to and respect the feelings of others. Being able to talk about your own mental state is an important aspect of being able to handle difficult emotions and seek appropriate supports.
Increased Motivation
An emotionally intelligent individual will have greater self-awareness - allowing him/her to take charge of their learning and be proactive. This is sometimes referred to as being intrinsically motivated. An individual can see 'reasons' for learning or doing that are relevant and personal to them - therefore increasing their motivation to undertake tasks.
Overall Wellbeing
By being able to identify what they're feeling, know how to interpret their emotions, recognise how their emotions can affect others, regulate their own emotions, and manage other people's emotions - emotionally intelligent people have greater overall wellbeing. The have reduced stress and a more astute ability to problem-solve. They can make more meaningful connections with people and their world. They are able to set clear goals and have the motivation to achieve them. Emotional Intelligence research is the biggest advocate for holistic learning; which is centred around wellbeing of the whole person, that we have ever seen!
How to Teach Emotional Intelligence!
Because emotional intelligence seems to be such a strong predictor of success and contributes greatly to overall wellbeing, the best thing that we can do for our children is offer up opportunities for them to learn and practice their emotional intelligence often. We can also become our children's emotional intelligence coaches; the way that we respond to our children's emotions supports or delays our children's growth in emotional intelligence. Dr. John Gottman has given five steps to effectively emotionally coach your children. These steps are an excellent springboard for building a strong foundation for emotional aptitude.
Be Aware of Your Child's Emotions
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See emotions as an opportunity for connection and teaching.
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Listen and validate the feelings.
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Label their emotions.
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Help Your Child Problem-Solve with Limits
It is important to express that all emotions are acceptable but all behaviours are not. You can do this by helping your child to develop a repertoire of problem-solving skills to cope with their emotions. By helping your child to set goals and generate solutions to reach those goals you will limit the expression to appropriate and productive behaviours - further supporting your child to stay motivated, self-aware and less stressed.
Sources
Co., P. (2021, February 3). How to strengthen your child's emotional intelligence. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved April 5, 2023, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/strengthen-childs-emotional-intelligence/ MacCann, C., Jiang, Y., Brown, L. E., Double, K. S., Bucich, M., & Minbashian, A. (2020). Emotional intelligence predicts academic performance: A meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 146(2), 150–186. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000219 Sánchez-Álvarez, N., Berrios Martos, M. P., & Extremera, N. (2020). A meta-analysis of the relationship between emotional intelligence and academic performance in Secondary Education: A multi-stream comparison. Frontiers in Psychology, 11. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.01517
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